


Never RSVP for a Friend's Wedding Unless You Know Who They're Marrying

by raccoonLauncher



Series: Gintama... [1]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Abuto finally gets the attention he deserves, Abuto headcanons, Constant side-switching, Everyone is a traitor, Five Years Later, Gen, I'm telling you that Abuto is super underrated, LOTS OF SPOILERS, Post-Canon, Silver Soul didn't give anyone enough time to shine, So the ages aren't a problem, Some of that will be fixed here, Why am I adding so many Abuto tags, Written during the final season, Written with the ambition of it being like a Gintama arc, casual spoilers, eventual feels, so some people who might die in the show are still alive
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-06-23 02:23:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15596139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raccoonLauncher/pseuds/raccoonLauncher
Summary: After an involuntary offworld "vacation," the Yorozuya are hired by Maizo, officially to guard the wedding of the former Princess Soyo to a mysterious suitor.Unofficially, however, their job might be to stop the wedding from proceeding-with the future of the Earth at stake.





	1. The Title of a Story Usually Works as the Title of the First Chapter, Too.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm writing this in the middle of the last season, and the whole plot is planned out, so dead characters might show up despite this being post-canon.
> 
> Just think of it as if things wrapped up immediately after Episode 357.
> 
> Also, it takes place five years after the end of the show, so everyone is in fact five years older.
> 
> (By the way, "Rotten Maizo" is apparently his official name.)

**Saturday, 3:00 PM**

Gintoki kicked back in his chair, a satisfied smile on his face.

"No matter how fun the vacation, nothing beats getting back home at the end."

"Vacation? If I thought being stranded on an alien planet without the funds to go home because you wasted them all gambling was a vacation, I would've just stayed here, 'kay?"

"That premise is long gone, Kagura. You've been to Rakuyo and back, and said that Earth is your real home. Character motivations from 350 episodes and two movies ago just don't count."

Shinpachi slammed his hands down on Gintoki's desk.

"Whose fault is it that we went to a universe-famous casino planet with  _you_ along? Who kept us broke for half a year until we finally hid enough money to get back to Earth!? You have no excuse to complain about ancient character motivations when yours stranded us for six months!"

The two junior Yorozuya glared at the senior one for a minute or two, before he took a more serious pose.

"Did you have fun?"

"No!"

"A little..."

"Kagura!"

"There was so much fancy food! And a lot of high-tech stuff, and all our odd jobs were James Bond-type stuff, 'kay? I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a little fun!"

Shinpachi grasped for a straight man outburst, but Kagura's sincere honesty left no openings.

Gintoki picked his nose, then stood up. "Well, it's about time to weasel out of the rent, leech some of the money the Shinsengumi still owes me, and mooch a parfait off of Katsura."

"All of your character flaws are on display! Why don't you use the money to pay for the parfait and the rent!?"

"Mrfmmrgrphlrmprnr!"

Gintoki was unable to answer because of the massive, hairy white blob covering him, which wagged its tail and yipped happily.

Gintoki poked his face out of Sadaharu's fur. "Who opened the door to let this fluffball in? If it's Otose, coming for the rent, I'm not home!"

"Actually, instead of coming for rent, I've come to give you the money to pay it."

The voice was vaguely familiar, though alien to where Gintoki was right now, so he pulled himself free to see who was speaking.

Kagura picked her nose. "Rotten Maizo? Why are you here?"

The old man, who had apparently come in by pushing the door open with his foot or a shoulder, smiled sadly. "A lot has happened while you three were away, but I'm glad you made it back. I have a job for you."

He had the immediate attention of everyone present, with the exception of Sadaharu, who tried and failed to tackle Kagura to the floor in excitement.

"The former princess Soyo is getting married in eight days."

Kagura beamed. "That's great! I'm so happy for her!"

Maizo gave her a grave look that destroyed her surprised happiness completely.

"Despite no longer being official royalty, she still holds more political influence than anyone in Japan, with the backing of the Shinsengumi, Mimawarigumi, Oniwabanshu, and the Yagyuu family. This usually wouldn't be a problem, except that due to her and... his positions, they've agreed to pose it as a political marriage, to prevent interference from the involved factions."

Shinpachi stepped forward. "Do you think he's actually marrying her for power, and the lie of a political marriage is his real plan?"

"I don't know. You'll have to make that judgement once you meet him. And that's why I'm hiring you."

The armless man then told them their mission.

"Yorozuya, I trust you. Use your judgement. The situation is complex-more complex than you realize. There will be official security from around the country, and even from space, but their hands will be tied. They will protect the wedding, and the groom, no matter what. I'm hiring you to protect what needs to be protected. So it's in your hands."

Gintoki almost asked how much they would be paid. Then he started to process what Maizo had said. He thought through the implications, and how important this could be. Then he asked a much better question.

"Is the groom from offworld?"

Maizo nodded. "He is. And his organization is one of the most powerful in the universe."

A grim silence settled on the four, and even Sadaharu went quiet.

Gintoki flashed a smile, and gave a thumbs-up. "We'll take your job."

 

* * *

 

**Saturday, 5:30 PM**

"Hi everyone! Hi Kagura!"

In front of Edo Castle, Soyo greeted the Yorozuya warmly, and then hugged her friend tightly.

"Yo." Gintoki waved casually. "It's been a while. Who's the groom, that Maizo would be so worried?"

The three had tried to pry the enigma's name from Maizo, but he stayed adamantly silent.

A familiar woman stepped forward. "Due to his many enemies abroad and at home, the groom has requested that his identity be kept secret from everyone who has not seen him in person."

"And he's not that bad at all! Maizo's just a bit of a worrywart."

Princess Soyo was predictably miffed at the concern about her husband-to-be, but not as much as Gintoki would have expected. Did he have a bad reputation, maybe?

"Anyway, Nobume, what are you doing here?"

"I'm-"

"The Commander is my bodyguard, meaning I can't do anything without her permission. Basically my babysitter."

Soyo stuck out her tongue at Nobume.

"You  _are_ the Ambassador to Alien Nations. And I am, and forever will be, the **Vice** Commander of the Mimawarigumi."

Despite her formal words, and her now habitual insistence on revering her late superior, the Vice Commander then stuck out her tongue in response. Then, deciding that she had made her point, she turned back to the Yorozuya.

"I'm sorry for being tense, but given the circumstances of how the couple met, a bodyguard has been deemed necessary."

Gintoki raised an eyebrow at that, and before Nobume could give a satisfactory explanation, Soyo butted in.

"Five months ago, I was on a diplomatic mission with the Kaientai when his fleet attacked us. He boarded us, and I captured him. Then when his people attacked to get him back, they captured me. During all that time we got to spend together, we got along really well, so here we are!"

Her face was practically glowing with happiness, but the story itself inspired some surprised reactions, to say the least.

"You CAPTURED him!?"

"You're awesome, Soyo! I knew it, 'kay?"

Shinpachi couldn't take it any longer.

"What is it with this guy!? From everything we've learned about him, he sounds like some sort of alien warlord! You're not marrying a space conquerer, right!?"

"Well, I've done some training with the Oniwabanshu, so I'm not quite useless..."

After addressing Gintoki and Kagura, Soyo averted her gaze from Shinpachi, as did Nobume.

"Wait... no. An alien warlord? Really? I was joking, you know that, right? Please tell me he's not a space warlord."

Silence.

Nobume spoke up. "I said he had powerful enemies. Since you'll be acting as security, along with the Mimawarigumi, the Shinsengumi, the Oniwabanshu, and the groom's own force, you should be prepared for whoever you think is the worst possible threat to a wedding, political or otherwise, to attack, at any time."

"Takasugi?"

"Pappy..."

"My sister."

Gintoki and Kagura glared at Shinpachi.

"I don't know about Umi Bozu and Takasugi, but we've SEEN Otae destroy a wedding before."

Gintoki ceded the point. "And all three are in the character tags for this fic, so this really is serious."

That snapped everyone back to reality. Fourth wall breaks aside, Nobume had met some of the same powerful threats the Yorozuya had, and since she apparently knew the identity of the mystery man, and wasn't known for exaggeration, trouble was definitely brewing.

"So... what's the deal. Where do you want us." All frivolity was gone from Gintoki's voice.

Nobume brought the trio inside the castle, to a spacious room near the center. "Soyo will be in this room until the wedding. On the floor below is where the groom will be staying once he arrives tomorrow."

She motioned to the room on the right. "You'll be in that room, and the room on the left will house the leaders of the Shinsengumi. The Mimawarigumi will occupy the floor above. On the left of the groom's room will be the leaders of the Oniwabanshu, with his own lieutenants on the right room, directly beneath yours. Other than the rooms filled, this floor will occupied by the Oniwabanshu, the groom's floor by his force, and the floor below that by the Shinsengumi."

The Yorozuya were bewildered, to say the least, so Nobume gave them each a map detailing the troop placements.

Then, in Gintoki's ear, so Soyo couldn't hear, she whispered, "Destroy these by morning."

Kagura, oblivious, was beaming. "We're in the room right next to you! It's like a sleepover!"

Soyo, unconcerned despite being more in the know, perhaps, than anyone else, gave her a high-five. "It's going to be great! Really, he's not as bad as he's made out to be! Everyone is worrying over nothing, I promise."

Nobume looked at her critically, then smiled softly. "I hope you're right, Soyo."

"I'll bet you the 'Vice' in your title that I am! It'll be gone in a week!"

"If you're not, you have to let me call you 'Your Highness.' again."

"Deal! But it won't happen, and you'll never be able to call me that!"

The two had another juvenile exchange of silly faces.

"Um," said Kagura, "What about Sadaharu? Can we keep him here? Are we moving in tonight?"

Nobume began to speak in a serious tone, but Soyo interjected.

"Please bring him! It's been so long since I've seen him! And you don't have to move in tonight, but be ready by noon tomorrow, when... he will be arriving."

 

* * *

 

**Sunday, 12:00 PM**

Despite the weather being fairly nice, the sky was especially cloudy.

That probably made it even more impressive when the first and largest ship in the groom's fleet appeared in the sky.

It was bristling with weaponry, and had a sickeningly familiar and intimidating design.

As more ships broke dramatically through the clouds, the mood darkened among the Yorozuya, as well as some of the stationed Shinsengumi and Mimawarigumi.

"Gin-chan... don't those ships look familiar?"

"I think... if this were an episode of the anime, [ominous music would be playing right now.](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=r2zM3oV8Ahw)"

Shinpachi gulped. "Hey, guys... out of everyone in the universe, who do you think the worst possible person to be Soyo's groom would be?"

There was silence. After a pause, Gintoki smiled grimly.

"If you're thinking what I'm thinking, there's no consolation I can offer you. But there's no way that can be it. No way at all."

He slowly and creakily turned his neck to face Kagura. "R-right, Kagura? There have to be a ton of fleets in the universe that look like that. It's can't just be the one."

Kagura didn't respond, a look of mixed horror, sadness, and... something else on her face, fixated on the capital ship.

As the ship landed and the door opened, that last piece of hope was snuffed out as guards, characteristically disorganized, walked out none the less prepared to destroy any attacker, their species' signature weapons in hand.

And before Gintoki's eyes, a living nightmare stepped out onto the ramp, smiling widely. The nightmare called out a greeting, and Soyo, oblivious to or uncaring about his nightmare-ness, shouted to him happily.

No.

"It's great to see you!"

No no no.

Soyo spread her arms wide for the Pirate King of the Harusame.

"Welcome to Earth, Kamui!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so excited about writing this. After a few months of hiatus from fic-writing, this idea was just too much not to write. There are a million questions and one particular concern that I expect, and all will be answered in time.
> 
> Please, leave a comment! A reaction, criticism, a question, anything! It's like a combination of candy and getting paid to receive a comment, really.
> 
> And, I want to experience how people react to this twist without knowing it first, since the whole idea started with that moment.
> 
> This is going to be so great!


	2. Accusing someone you've fought with of violent behavior will only make life worse for both of you!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will the update speed always be this fast? I dunno.
> 
> But here's another chapter, because the only thing more intense than a cliffhanger is the urge to write the crazy things that happen AFTER cliffhangers!

**Sunday, 12:15 PM**

Kamui and Soyo beamed at each other from opposite sides of the ramp, while the Yorozuya and many of the attending police gaped in horror.

One such onlooker, however, didn't freeze for a second.

Okita Sougo flowed like a gust of wind, so quickly and naturally that it felt like an inevitability, onto the ramp, drawing his sword and swinging it in one motion.

His eyes were firmly on Kamui's umbrella, ready to twist his strike around it and finish the Yato in a single attack-but although the umbrella did not move, there were two blurs of motion at the critical moment.

At that point, there were three points everyone's eyes were split between.

One was Kamui's hand, where he had swiped it in front of him, his arm now crossing his chest.

The second was a strange metal object flying through the air.

And finally, Okita's sword, which was broken off just an inch or two from the hilt.

Kamui's smile was unfazed.

"I'm disappointed. I went through the trouble of mastering a sword-breaking technique, just for you, and you walk right into it. I was really looking forward to fighting you again, but if this is all you've-"

Okita moved to slam his leg into the side of Kamui's face, on the same side from which he swung the sword and Kamui swing his arm, but Kamui easily moved his arm to block the strike-

-And a look of triumph crossed Okita's face as he changed his kick ever so slightly to hit Kamui's hand, where before he had twisted his sword just in time to cut it, a spray of blood onto his uniform and the ground vindicating his strategy.

Then arms wrapped under his shoulders, and he was pulled back by Soyo herself. It was certainly annoying to be stopped by the person he was certain would benefit most from his vic- er, enemy's defeat.

"He shot at you. He called you dead weight and shot at you, on that airship, Soyo. Why would you marry a monster like him, who thinks you're pathetic as that?"

Soyo's grip tightened painfully, a glare burning into his back.

"I remember the one who blocked that shot being quite the monster himself."

Kamui's smile grew pained and regretful-was he really feeling sorry, now of all times, or was he just a great actor? What's the deal with that smile anyway?

"Everyone's wrong sometimes, you know. If my past self called Soyo dead weight again, I'd kill him. Of course, it's been years, so in a sense, I already have."

He turned to the rest of the Shinsengumi. "I was just assaulted by a dangerous individual. Isn't it your job to help me with that?"

Hijikata casually lighted a cigarette. "Dangerous? That's just how Okita says hello. I'm glad to see the two of you hitting it off."

The Shinsengumi in Okita's sight remained stoic, but he heard giggles from outside his field of vision.

Then Okita's least favorite voice cut in. "How about you two idiots kill each other so I don't have to put up with either of you anymore!"

Sensing that Kagura's interjection had distracted Soyo, Okita twisted out of her grip, but hesitated to make a move. Kamui was even more dangerous than last time they'd fought, and with a surprise attack out of the question, he doubted he stood even the slightest chance with his sword broken.

Besides, this development was... interesting.

He looked at Kagura.

He looked at Kamui.

He looked at Kamui's smiling face, now slightly strained, and at Kagura's open glare.

Could they be...

Noooooo.

_Yesssssss._

"Since when did I say you could marry my friend, idiot brother!?"

"Since when did I need the permission of those weaker than myself to do anything, foolish sister?"

"Call me weak one more time, kay!?"

Kagura lifted her umbrella, pointing its built-in gun at Kamui, before one of the yato blurred forward and knocked her back.

"Now, now," said Abuto, "Don't you think that's enough casual assassinations today?"

Kamui beamed. He was always smiling, but somehow it was as if he had smiled on top of that. "I could have taken all of them, you know."

"I do. Do you really want to slaughter your wedding guests?"

Kamui shrugged cheerfully, and Abuto balefully shook his head, but with a slight smile on his face.

Kagura glared at Soyo, now that Kamui was somewhat off-limits. "Why didn't you tell me it was HIM!?"

Soyo stared at the ground. "Well... I really wanted to... but you said it yourself."

"What did I say myself?"

"Umi Bozu."

There was silence.

Everyone was reminded of the fact that Kamui's identity was a secret from everyone not present, because of his powerful enemies.

And now, they realized how powerful those enemies were. Shinsengumi, Mimawarigumi, Oniwabanshu, Yorozuya, and the Yato 7th division of the Harusame-rather than excessive security, they started to understand that even this much security might not be enough.

And on that note, the couple and their questionably loyal security forces made the trek to the castle.

 

* * *

 

**Sunday, 1:00 PM**

While the rest of the procession was on its way to the castle, Gintoki pulled Shinpachi and Kagura aside, and had them run out in front of the rest of the security.

"Gin-san... is this... really necessary?"

Shinpachi was out of breath, but made it to the castle ahead of everyone else along with the rest of the Yorozuya.

"It's our job both to protect this wedding and to be ready to destroy it, right?"

Shinpachi and Kagura nodded.

"And if I'm right, that's pretty much everyone else's goal, too."

Given Okita's reaction to Kamui, the junior Yorozuya couldn't argue.

"In that case, we have to be ready to fight everybody coming to the castle. That means we have an advantage if we know everyone who will be in the castle."

They remembered how Nobume insisted on the maps being destroyed, meaning that most likely, only they and the Mimawarigumi knew everything about where everyone was.

And that was how the Yorozuya ended up staying by the gates and greeting everyone coming into the castle.

Nobume, leading the Mimawarigumi out in front, nodded approvingly and wished them luck.

When the couple passed, Kamui flashed the group a predatory look before returning to his ordinary smile. "I look forward to seeing you around!"

Soyo, missing nothing, slapped him, before both of them laughed. "If you don't get along with them, I'll kidnap you again."

"So I should kill my sister right now, you say?"

Gintoki and Shinpachi clenched their teeth, but Soyo and Kagura apparently could tell when one of Kamui's threats lacked true bloodlust, and smiled weakly.

Once they were past, Kagura crossed her arms. "They're not bad. I still hate him, but they're not bad."

Then the Shinsengumi passed them, and walking up to Gintoki casually, Hijikata drew his sword and pointed it at his rival's face. They glared at each other silently for a minute.

"Yorozuya. If I know you, you're already thinking of going up against everyone to stop this wedding. If you don't want to get cut down, suppress your urge to challenge us all as a three-man army."

He continued to glare threateningly to let the point sink in.

Then he added, "If you're going to try something like that, ask the Shinsengumi for help, first."

Despite offering his help with a treasonous suicide mission, the Demonic Vice Commander was as gruff as ever as he returned to his group.

Just within Hijikata's hearing as he walked away, Gintoki coughed. "Tsundere."

"WHAT'S THAT, YOROZUYA!? I'LL KILL YOU!"

Fortunately, Hijikata was held back and dragged away by Kondo, who pulled him side to side a few times as Okita tried to stab his eternal enemy, eventually standing up and leaving Gintoki with nothing but a hateful glare.

As the final force, the Yato, entered the castle, Abuto addressed the Yorozuya firmly. "If you ruin this for him, you'll wish you all died in Yoshiwara."

Kagura and Shinpachi gritted their teeth as he alluded to how he almost killed the both of them with only one arm, before he moved aside to give them their second horrific shock of the day.

Among the Harusame force was a trio the Yorozuya knew all too well. Gintoki locked his eyes with the single eye of the last person he wanted or expected to see when he woke up today.

"Is it unusual," asked Shinsuke Takasugi, "For the friends of the groom to attend a wedding?"

He grinned wildly. "I do hope you try to spoil the proceedings, Gintoki."

As much as having a blonde gunslinger attached to their arm would ruin the intimidation abilities of most people, Takasugi was apparently an exception, as none of his longtime enemies gave even a thought to Matako next to the threat in front of them.

For as long as they were visible to each other, neither Gintoki nor Takasugi took their gaze off the other, until the Kiheitai were out of view inside the castle.

Kagura moved to go in, but Gintoki grabbed her shoulder. "Wait."

She looked at him quizzically, but stayed there. And the Yorozuya waited.

And waited.

And finally, after some twenty minutes had passed, another group approached the castle. They were in plain clothes, but in front were four figures-or rather, three people-who gave away the group's identity.

The Oniwabanshu walked by with the perfectly practiced manner of ordinary peasants, looking for all the world like a crowd of impoverished civilians wishing their ambassador a happy marriage and gratefully accepting a week's free food and lodging.

Of course, the Yorozuya recognized Zenzo, Sa-chan, and Momochi and her wheelchair-bound puppet, letting them in to the disguise and paying off on the waiting.

"Gin-saaaaan!"

Not that Gintoki himself was very happy with the fruits of his labor, as Sa-chan wrapped herself around his head, legs on his shoulders. Why did his stalker have to be a ninja, again?

"This is so great, we'll be living together for a WHOLE WEEK and we'll eat MEALS together and you'll verbally abuse me EVERY DAY!"

"Guys? I've decided that I'm having a nightmare. I'm still asleep and today isn't really happening because I'm having a nightmare. Can someone pinch me?"

Sa-chan pinched his cheeks and pulled them back and forth. "Don't worry, I'll give you sweet dreams the whole. Week. Long."

Momochi shot out a chain that wrapped around Sa-chan's waist, and pulled her off the object of her affection to much protest and relief.

Zenzo pointed at Gintoki. "If you stop me from getting Jump tomorrow, you'll be considered a threat to the proceedings and eliminated by the Oniwabanshu. Got it?"

With that childish warning out of the way, the ninjas went into the castle, and Gintoki decided that it was about time the Yorozuya did as well.

"Actually, Gin-san..."

Shinpachi hesitated, then made up his mind. "I'm going to go talk to my sister."

Gintoki raised his eyebrows.

"Well, it's been six months, right? And since this is kind of an all hands on deck situation, if we get her to help us, we might get Kyuubei and her family on our side, too."

Gintoki nodded. "As long as you're back before dinner. Your dessert portion is mine, got it?"

 

* * *

 

**Sunday, 2:30 PM**

When Shinpachi arrived at the Shimura house/dojo, he immediately knew something was off. Approaching the gate, his heart lurched in his chest. The lock had been broken open, shattering the wood around it.

Walking in, and entering the building, he saw a plate of half-eaten dark matter, still radiating an evil aura. Someone had broken in, and as of just a while ago, his sister was no longer here.

He remembered Abuto's threat, and the time the Yorozuya had waited. In that time, a Yato could have leapt out of the castle, gotten to the house in record time, and taken Otae half an hour ago.

He started running, bolting out of the house to tell Gin-San as soon as possible. There had to be something the silver-haired samurai could do about this; they had gotten out of so many similar situations before.

And as he slammed the gate open, he was met with the embodiment of his fears. In front of him was Kamui's right-hand man himself.

Shinpachi's heart raced. Abuto could kill him with one hand if he wanted to. He felt like a small animal cornered by a pack of wolves, and backed away a step or two without realizing, on pure instinct.

"Yorozuya."

Abuto leaned forward. He wasn't a lot taller than Shinpachi, but by intimidation alone, he might as well have been a skyscraper.

"Kamui is like family to the Seventh Division. No, he's more our family than our families are. And the happiest day of his life is coming up."

He poked his umbrella into Shinpachi's chest, and it pushed him over onto the ground like he was made of cardboard.

"If you mess with our family, we'll mess with yours. If you ruin this day for Kamui, there will be consequences to match."

There was no sign of Abuto's usual dry good humor. There was no wry smile, no trace of geniality. He was a hunter, and Shinpachi was his helpless prey. All reassurance that Gintoki could conquer "situations like this" was gone. Nature itself seemed to pound in his ears, and he nodded and whimpered.

"Now tell me that you understand. You and the Yorozuya will protect this wedding with your lives. If you ruin it, or if you allow anyone else to ruin it, you know what'll happen. So tell me you understand."

"I... I-I-I understand."

"Tell the Shinsengumi, too. I've heard their commander will care about this just as much."

Shinpachi nodded.

Abuto leaned down until his face was right in front of Shinpachi's.

"I'm not enjoying this. I want everything to work out, and everyone to be okay. But if it goes wrong, you'll be held responsible. You and the rest of the Yorozuya."

And on that, he left Shinpachi to whimper on the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never felt like the shoe really addressed what it's like to live in a world where there are people capable of just... ending you, with their bare hands, without warning, who might really do it, too. From that angle, it's not surprising at all that the Yato are endangered, since people fearing their power all over the universe would certainly hunt them down. It's not justified by any means, but writing Shinpachi's encounter with Abuto, I think I can understand it.
> 
> Anyway, you may have noticed that I'm constantly stating the day and time; I'm going for something like Devil Survivor where there's one week before the big event, and time is constantly ticking.
> 
> And don't think that the wedding is a black-and-white issue. There are a ton of sides and motivations going on that I just can't wait to reveal!
> 
> And please comment! Anything is welcome, from reviews to rants to your opinion on Kamui x Soyo-do you hope the wedding proceeds? Do you hope it'll be stopped by the next Sunday? Who knows!
> 
> Edit: I didn't get any new kudos after posting this chapter, and it might just be slow potential readership, but if there's something about this chapter that you don't like, please comment it so I can improve.
> 
> Also, to address two things I'm worried about people thinking are the case, I won't be making Otae some helpless damsel in distress (talk about out of character) or Shinpachi weak or a coward(you'll see).


	3. Outside of Anime, Anger is More of a Disability Than a Superpower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Power scaling in Gintama is a bit odd. For example, I ended up considering whether it would actually be possible for Abuto to subdue Otae. That shouldn't even be a question, with him not only being a member of a super-strong warrior race, but also being several levels above the average Yato goon, but Otae has shown some incredible strength herself.
> 
> I ended up using Kagura to resolve the dilemma, since I can't see Otae ever beating Kagura in a fight, but Abuto is much stronger than Kagura when she's in her right mind.
> 
> Abuto is kind of a grey area himself, too, since he's kind of in between the weak Yato (Kondo can kill two of them on his own, as he kinda casually did in the SA arc) and the strong Yato (Kamui, Hosen, and Umi Bozu). Abuto doesn't get enough love in general, now that I think about it. He's one of the most underrated Gintama characters.
> 
> I'm not sure I can say if what he's getting right now is love, though...

**Sunday, 3:10 PM**

Having told the other Yorozuya all that happened, Shinpachi no longer felt quite as much like a helpless victim at the bottom of the food chain.

Instead, he could feel nothing but shame about how weak he had been. For so long, he had lived with a Yato, eaten with her, squabbled with her, and never thought of her as some other class of being.

And yet, he had collapsed without resistance when faced with a Yato who actually wanted to intimidate him. He could hardly look at Gintoki, who he knew had faced down and even defeated Yato one on one before.

"Gin-san. You fought Yato alone during the war, right?"

Gintoki was somehow distant, but he snapped himself out of it and saw straight to the heart of Shinpachi's question.

"Shinpachi. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Do you want to know what I did the first time I fought a Yato?"

Maybe there was hope he could draw inspiration from Gintoki's past. After all, he had fought Yato without fear several times when his friends were along. The Shiroyasha would definitely have a story to tell that could give him courage when he needed it.

"I peed my pants and passed out."

Gintoki was met by dumbstruck looks from both of his employees.

"It wasn't a strong one like Abuto, either. This guy with an umbrella just glared at me, and I felt like a rabbit being hunted by bears. You stayed conscious and clean because of all your experience. Do you think I wasn't afraid when I fought Hosen? I felt like I was more likely to die in the next second than take another breath."

Gintoki patted Shinpachi on the shoulder. "You did good, kid. Next time, you know what to expect, so you can stand firm."

He gave a reassuring smile, and turned to the door. "I've got a couple things to do, so try to relax. It'll work out, I promise."

Shinpachi knew better than to take those words at face value, and looked at Kagura, concerned.

She nodded tensely, and sharing Shinpachi's fear that Gintoki was about to do something reckless, she followed him, just to make sure he didn't get in over his head.

 

* * *

 

**Sunday, 3:30 PM**

As Gintoki thought, the Kiheitai were staying in the room reserved for Kamui's lieutenants. He stomped in, grabbed a surprised Takasugi by his collar, picked him up, and walked him into a wall.

"Where is she!?" He was almost snarling as he demanded answers from his mortal enemy.

Takasugi smiled gleefully. "I'd be happy to destroy you right here, Gintoki, but I'm curious. What exactly do you think I've done?"

"You know what you've done! You and the Harusame wasted no time resorting to dirty tricks!"

Gintoki heard the sound of two revolvers cocking behind him, and cursed himself silently, his fury only increasing.

"Get your hands off of Shinsuke-senpai, now."

Takasugi chuckled nastily. "I don't know anything, Gintoki. If Kamui's people did something, that's their business, but the Kiheitai are here as wedding guests, not as... kidnappers? Is that what happened?"

He was slammed into the wall again, and Matako shot Gintoki in the arm. It was hardly concerning, not hitting any vital spots, and his anger drowned out the pain, but he got the point.

As he dropped a triumphant Takasugi and turned around to leave, he saw Kagura press the tip of her umbrella into Matako's back threateningly, but waved his hand for her to back off.

On the way back to their room, Abuto blocked their path.

"Don't bother asking the Kiheitai anything. I'm the only one in this building who knows where Otae is right now."

He leaned forward, but Gintoki, suppressing the familiar fear with more anger, punched him in the face.

"Temper, Yorozuya. How are you going to last a week if your first reaction is to attack people?"

Abuto smiled despite the blood now running down his face.

"Don't think of telling the happy couple about this, all right? I don't want anything darkening their special day. Really, all I want is for it to go smoothly! Is that too much to ask for?"

He held up his hands and raised his eyebrows surprisingly innocently for someone with such a grizzled face, not to mention the blood.

"I hope you can forgive me for not being polite to the one who scared my friend half to death after kidnapping his sister."

Gintoki pushed the Yato to the side as he walked back to his room, despite the hallway easily being large enough for five or six people, followed by a silently glaring Kagura.

Turning back, Abuto called as though nothing was wrong, "Dinner is at six! Don't be late!"

 

* * *

 

**Sunday, 6:01 PM**

Gintoki, his arm bandaged, arrived in the courtyard one minute late just to spite Abuto, but was disappointed not to see him anywhere.

Despite seating officially being free to anyone, each faction kept tightly to itself, the disguised Oniwabanshu circling the whole area to keep guard. Soyo and Kamui sat together between the Yato and Mimawarigumi areas, accompanied by Nobume and the Kiheitai.

Spotting Shinpachi and Kagura sitting with the Shinsengumi, he sat down in the only nearby empty seat, directly next to Hijikata.

"Oi, Mayora, swap seats with Okita." Gintoki pointed to the ambitious young man slipping something into Hijikata's drink, just in time for the Vice Commander to notice the trick and pour out the cup onto his subordinate's head.

"Sorry, but his seat is wet. I'm not sitting there. Why don't you swap seats with the gorilla?"

Kondo looked up, but Gintoki waved the suggestion away. "His seat smells. You swap with someone, so I don't get poisoned by the secondhand smoke bought with my tax dollars."

"You swap, so your lazy attitude doesn't rub off on me. If you were with us, I'd add it to the Code, and you'd have to commit seppuku."

"We'll both swap seats, then!"

"Fine! Yamazaki!"

"Shinpachi!"

The rivals stood up, and each switched with their organization's most ordinary member.

Unfortunately, they too had been sitting next to each other. Gintoki and Hijikata reacted the exact same way.

"Hey, what're you trying to pull here!? Switch back right this instant, you bastard!"

"You switch back!"

They glared at each other silently after that. Thank goodness for Mayora; Gintoki felt better already. He started to think clearly for the first time since he had gotten himself worked up.

His juniors had probably sat with the Shinsengumi, despite the complicated grudges and rivalries, because of Hijikata's offer from earlier.

They weren't in it alone. That by itself made Gintoki feel better, but although he would rather drink a bottle of mayonnaise than admit it, he couldn't ask for better allies right now than the Shinsengumi.

A weight lifting off his shoulders, he glared at the empty table. "Oi, it's past dinnertime. Where's the food."

Kagura smacked his face into the table. "Hey, don't relax just because you're sitting next to your tsundere brocrush, 'kay? We've got a situation here."

Kondo nodded. "We're filled in, and we're in. We're getting her back even if I have to wipe with sandpaper again."

This earned winces from the rest of the group, recalling an oddly similar situation.

Rubbing his head and sitting up, Gintoki gave Kondo a grave look. "Yato are on a completely different level from the Yagyuu. If you stop to use the bathroom, you'll end up bloody everywhere."

He couldn't figure out if he had gotten serious again. A normal encounter with the Shinsengumi was carefree and filled with laughter, at least internally, but the loing threat stopped any kind of mirth halfway.

A line of Yato came out of the palace wearing aprons, which would definitely have been absurd in a normal atmosphere. Then they started passing out meals to each person sitting down, and reactions from the crowd added to the dissonance.

Hijikata received a bowl topped with mayonnaise, and put away the bottle he had prepared with the belief his meal would be normal.

Noting a sticker on his plate reading _Toushirou Hijikata,_ he poked the mayo coating a few times before digging in. Then...

"A  _salad!?_ "

Indeed, under all the mayonnaise was a light, dainty salad, with the balance of vegetables that only mothers use to maximize healthiness.

Shinpachi was given a mouth-watering gourmet meal, with a small side plate holding four fruit-shaped gummies, accompanied by a glass of milk.

Examining the gummies, Shinpachi was horrified. "These are vitamin supplements, aren't they!? Is someone trying to say I'm malnourished!?"

He stuck one of the gummies in his mouth, and chewed it resentfully.

Kagura's meal was an ordinary bowl of meat and rice, but five times larger than the dishes of most humans present.

Looking over at the Yato tables, they saw that most of the Harusame had similarly sized dinners, although some of the larger space pirates had smaller meals, and vice versa. There was also more variety among the 7th Division, and none of them reacted to their insensitively personalized food.

Yamazaki took his meal excitedly and looked at it, but it was completely plain, with nothing even suggesting a personal touch. His face went through the five phases of grief in an instant, but on acceptance, he seemed more relieved that it wasn't anpan than disappointed.

Gintoki watched Hijikata mix his salad thouroughly into the mayonnaise to eat what amounted to lightly flavored mayonnaise, Kagura inhale her meal like a vacuum cleaner, and Shinpachi get over his resentment to enjoy his dubious special treatment, before realizing that something was missing.

Everyone had their food and was eating, whether their food was interesting enough to become a joke or not. Or rather, everyone else did.

He stared at the empty table in front of him for what felt like an hour-

"All right, minute's up."

A Yato server put his food down in front of him, the sticker reading,  _"Gintoki Sakata, serve one minute after the rest."_

Oh, that was IT. They thought they could give him attitude over giving them attitude?

Something felt wrong as he fumed over the late delivery, and it got worse as his anger turned into delight over his meal being topped with whipped frosting.

The itch in the back of his head disappeared, though, when he grew suspicious of the contents. Would such a conscientious chef really give him sweets?

He pushed aside the icing and sliced open part of what he had been assuming to be a cake, to be faced with, of all things,  **spinach casserole.**

Why must he suffer like this?

But he had no other food, and he wasn't going to give in and act like the five-year-old the chef seemed to think everyone was.

He took a scoop of casserole, with a bit of frosting, and stick it in his mouth.

It was delicious.

Gintoki was furious that his spinach casserole, which had no right to taste good, even topped with sugar, was the best meal he had eaten in a while.

He took another bite, and another, but his anger only grew.

Then he remembered why he was _really_ angry, and nearly choked on his food.

How had everyone let something like personalized meals distract them from the real problem?

This was a meal made by the enemy. Even worse, only one person in the 7th Division could have anticipated that Gintoki would arrive one minute late out of spite, and in fact had caused it in the first place.

The very food at his rescue party reunion was prepared by the one behind the kidnapping. Why would Abuto go to this kind of length? To show how much power he had; that if it had been poisoned, they would all be dead?

Or was he just looking out for the health of everyone going to the wedding he cared about?

Gintoki wasn't sure which possibility was more horrifying.

He stared at his food, and found his appetite gone. It was a symbol of Abuto's condescension. He couldn't touch it. He couldn't bear looking at it, but he couldn't look away.

Thankfully, his gaze was wrenched away from his food by a large explosion.

The explosion destroyed a portion of the wall, and heavily armored soldiers with a wide array of advanced equipment poured in.

He blinked. The soldiers were still there, and the security present began to react, drawing weapons to fight back.

Less than half a day in, the wedding was already under attack by the most heavily armed forces Gintoki had ever seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gintama doesn't really go into the combat uses of sci-fi technology. There are some characters who have it as their thing, but it's never used to push characters who are strong in their own even further, or to turn weak troops into serious fighting forces.
> 
> You could explain this by saying that equipment like that has to be extremely expensive, so it's just more cost-efficient to arm most Amanto with basic weapons and simply reinforce Yato umbrellas.
> 
> And my answer is, yes. Yes, it is expensive. ;)
> 
> Also, watching the most recent Gintama episode, I'm really glad I'm writing this fic. I'm a bit of a Kamui fanboy, but his redemption is fudged and rushed to the point where even people who might quietly go "squee" whenever he shows up and hum his battle music idly all the time (not talking about anyone specific, juuuuust in general) may be seriously doubting whether taking an attack (this is barely spoilers, so don't worry) that's no big deal to him for Kagura really makes up for everything he's done. Umi Bozu shouldn't be as soft as that. I get that there's limited time left, but still, reconciliations between legendary powerhouses who hunted each other for years shouldn't be that fast or simple.
> 
> Don't expect that kind of easy forgiveness from anyone in this fic. Our favorite grinning maniac has a lot to answer for, or at least grow past, and there's a loooong week ahead for all that. I'm harsh because my standards are high.
> 
> And one last note(before my author notes take over the page): The name stickers read in the western order for first name, last name because my headcanon is that the Yato do names that way, no matter how painful it is to write Toushiro before Hijikata. The Chinese appearance of Kagura and Kamui looks like it came from their mother, with Umi Bozu and the 7th Division looking much more Western to me. I mean, they're aliens, so it couldn't matter any less, but having their names like this feels right, since that would be 50/50 for aliens anyway.
> 
> Anyway, please comment! Comments are my bread and butter! My hard-earned reward! Even a complaint! Just say whatever you're thinking!


	4. If you commit to something, don't just stop if someone you dislike gets involved!

**Sunday, 6:10 PM**

The Yato and Mimawarigumi rushed into battle against the attackers, followed by the Kiheitai and Oniwabanshu leaders.

Some of the Shinsengumi stood up and drew their swords, but stopped when none of their leaders budged an inch.

Both they and the Yorozuya had the same thought.

"Screw this wedding," said Hijikata, lighting a cigarette to show just how much he didn't care.

One of the Yato fighting the attackers discovered that their sci-fi getup wasn't just for show, a fist in his face suddenly discharging electricity through his body. He dropped to the ground like a rock.

Several of the Mimawarigumi also fell to electric shocks running up their metal swords, powerful enough to knock them out through the slightly insulating hilt.

Gintoki kicked back, putting his feet on the table. "We can let this whole joke collapse, and then follow Abuto to rescue Otae. Heck, by the time we get there, she might have broken out already."

Nobume charged at someone who looked like a leader among the mysterious forces, wearing an intimidating helmet and a scowling, traditional red samurai mask.

When her sword met his, electricity ran between them and shocked her, bringing her to one knee. He extended his other arm, and she barely rolled out of the way before flames shot out of a pipe beneath his hand.

Okita stood up. "Sorry guys; if you wanna let the wedding crash and burn, I'm in, but someone I get along with is in trouble. I'll be back once that guy is dead."

He calmly drew his sword and walked towards the fray, where Nobume was desperately dodging more flamethrower blasts while looking for an opening.

Kondo blinked. "Was Okita the bigger man just now?"

Despite always seeing the best in the young swordsman, he was just as aware of Okita's sadistic streak as the rest of the table.

Gintoki looked around him at the raging battle.

Zenzo and Sa-chan were having moderate success against the attackers by hitting them with shurikens which were probably coated in tranquilizer or something, because whoever they hit soon either passed out or created an opening to be knocked out by a Yato's umbrella.

However, there was one group that seemed just as agile as the ninjas, successfully dodging most of the shurikens.

One of them shot wires out of something on their wrist that caught Zenzo, shocking him like their allies' melee equipment.

He cut the line and escaped, hitting his opponent with a shuriken, but two more quickly closed in, the nearby plainclothes Oniwabanshu helpless to do anything without revealing their identities.

An electric current ran up Rappa Momochi's chains to fry her robot, leaving her stunned and taking away most of her options for combat.

Gintoki scratched his head. "Hey, do you guys remember what our job is, exactly?"

Shinpachi, seeing where he was going, nodded. "Protect what needs to be protected."

"I guess we should get to that, shouldn't we?"

The Yorozuya trio stood up, followed by Kondo and Hijikata, who drew his sword.

He then looked at Kondo's waist. "You didn't bring your sword? Really?"

"Don't worry about me, Toushi! I've got this."

Kondo swung his fists at the air a few times, and Kagura rolled her eyes. "Just try to pass out safely, 'kay? Don't fall and crack your head or something."

With that, the five rushed forward to fight.

Gintoki swung his sword at one attacker, who blocked with his sword and tried to counter with an electric shock, but the wooden sword protected Gintoki, who followed up with another attack to test the strength of his opponent's armor.

His enemy was wearing red, grey, and yellow body armor, along with a black mask that covered his face. His armor absorbed the shock well, and he kicked at Gintoki.

However, the kick was given much more force by small rocket boosters on the soldier's leg, crashing into a hasty parry from Gintoki and pushing him back a foot or two.

* * *

 

Okita and Nobume circled the man who they were certain had to be the enemy leader. He kept both on guard with his flamethrower and electric sword, forcing them to dodge and stay on the defensive.

Okita glanced at Nobume. "That sword's gotta have a power supply, right?"

She nodded, and instead of rolling away from the next flamethrower burst, she leapt over it, to face the enemy alongside Okita.

Their adversary slashed viciously down, and Okita blocked the attack, bearing the shock as best he could. "Now!"

With the sword still for a moment, it wasn't difficult for Nobume to spot a power cord running from its hilt to its wielder's sleeve, below his wrist.

With a single strike, she cut the cord, but  another layer of armor prevented her from doing much damage to the wrist.

Okita then knocked away the other's sword and leapt forward with a flurry of blows, as did Nobume.

In a flash, however, the swordsman deflected each attack, pushing Okita back and separating the two with his flamethrower.

Okita grinned. "So behind those dirty tricks, you're pretty skilled, too, huh?"

Then he and Nobume ran forward to attack once again.

* * *

 

Kagura ran at an open-looking attacker who had looked the other way for a second, and gave him a punch in the chest powerful enough to knock him back over the wall.

After he went flying, however, he twisted his hand, and a disc-shaped object on his back spun around and shot out a burst of flame that sent him earthwards again.

Crashing into the ground in front of Kagura hard enough to crack it, rocket boosters on his arms lit up, and he punched her hard enough to knock her back, an electric shock adding insult to injury.

She staggered to her feet, and then ran forwards, feigning a punch from the left before kicking him from the right. He was sent sprawling, but got back up onto one knee before a blow to the head knocked him unconscious.

Kagura clutched her now bruised stomach for a second, before heading back into the fight.

* * *

 

Shinpachi noted that Kondo had stuck by him. "Hey, don't say you'll be fine before you hide behind someone with a weapon!"

"I'm not hiding. I'm making sure that you stay safe!"

"Sure you are."

He was charged by an enemy, and blocked with his own thankfully wooden sword, matching blows with his opponent and staying careful not to fall for any tricks.

The attacker went for a sweeping kick, but Shinpachi punished it with a swift blow to the head, keeping the fight to swordplay.

He felt like it was an even match before Kondo rushed forward with a swift blow to the enemy's face, knocking him back before he followed through with a blow to the top of his head, knocking him out.

"I said I'd watch out for you, right?"

Shinpachi blinked. He never knew what to expect from his sister's stalker, cool and tough one second, and creepy and useless the next. But seeing the proof that he could be trusted this time, he nodded, and they pressed on.

* * *

 

Hijikata rushed to where the couple was sitting, knowing that one or both of them had to be the target of this attack, but found that help in that area was unnecessary.

Kamui and Soyo fought together, Soyo slashing enemies through gaps in their armor (apparently, the Oniwabanshu had trained her well) with blades coated in a substance which made them weary enough that Kamui could casually punch them out and over the walls.

He also fought enemies Soyo hadn't poisoned, but knocked them out with precise blows to the head, having already learned from an enemy who rocketed back at him.

Breathing a sigh of relief that he was unneeded, Hijikata was attacked by an enemy of his own, blocking his sword with his own and paying the price of an electric shock.

The stubborn Vice Commander bore the pain, pushing his opponent's blade away and counterattacking. The armored man apparently didn't expect an enemy to stay conscious, and was pushed back.

However, after a few blows were traded, Hijikata grew visibly weary, causing his opponent to charge him. In a last-ditch effort, he dodged, and swept his sword upwards in the hope of disarming the other.

The surprised attacker dropped his sword, but rather than fly away from him, it was caught on a cord, and dangled for a second.

Hijikata got over the surprise before the enemy got over his own, and cut the cord, letting the sword drop down to the ground.

It was quickly retrieved, but a quick exchange of blows put him on the attack again, the electric shock no longer present to give the less-skilled combatant an advantage.

After only a few more strikes, the Demonic Vice Commander finished off his enemy, then decided to share what he had just learned.

"Oi! Everyone!"

There was silence for a second as the intimidating samurai called for absolute attention.

"Go after their power cords! Then their swords won't shock you! They're attached to the hilt!"

"I already figured that out, moron!"

Okita, again struggling against the enemy leader, spared a second to continue their endless rivalry, before he and Nobume returned to fighting the masked figure.

As their blades rang out, the rest of the battle resumed-but with a drastic change in morale.

The Shinsengumi and Mimawarigumi formed groups of two or more to take advantage of the attackers' now obviously inferior numbers and skill, none of their swordsmen capable of defending themselves from multiple foes.

The faster, more agile fighters with electric wire shooters found themselves outnumbered, as well as having to deal with Gintoki and Kagura, who saw their difference in skill and began targeting them directly.

The Oniwabanshu leaders severed as many power cables as they could using shurikens, and the loss of their single advantage allowed the attacking force to be pushed back towards the entrance they made-but no further.

* * *

 

Okita was losing. He could feel that, despite fighting alongside Nobume, he was far outmatched by the masked man.

He hasn't felt this incapable of touching an enemy since Utsuro-not that there was any possibility of this man being related to the immortal shadow leader.

Thinking back, he recalled a slightly similar feeling battling Gintoki, but the canonicity of that fight was questionable at best, as were the timing and power scaling involved. He shrugged it off.

Nobume had also realized they weren't up to the task, but both continued fighting, to prevent this monster from cutting through their respective forces, if nothing else.

However, even this effort was fruitless, as the man held off both of them with only his sword when the tide of battle approached the entrance, pushing back the police forces and Yato with sweeps of his flamethrower.

They pressed on, but were repelled each time by near-perfect defensive swordplay. Despite barely any attacks heading in their direction, both were aware of the enemy watching closely for any opening.

The masked man spoke for the first time.

"...Isn't someone missing?"

Okita was taken aback for a second, confused. He thought about who the mysterious man could mean, then remembered someone he knew wasn't there.

"Wait, do you mean Saitou? But why would you even care about him? How did you even notice?"

The attacker shrugged. "I thought so. The afro's pretty hard to miss."

Completely confused, Okita was caught off-guard and almost skewered by a brutal sword thrust, which he dodged at the last second, before the masked man looked around at the state of his troops and the powerful fighters closing in.

"Retreat, troops! We're moving out! Retreat!"

He twisted his flamethrower hand, probably controlling some mechanism in the armor, and a massive cloud of smoke was emitted from various pipes on his armor. His troops did likewise, and poured out the hole in the wall.

Kamui grabbed two to prevent them from escaping, and knocked another off his feet with a sweep of his leg, but otherwise, most of the attacking force got away, excluding those already unconscious or dead.

 

* * *

 

**Sunday, 7:30 PM**

After the attack, Nobume quickly called a meeting with the leaders of the Oniwabanshu, Shinsengumi, and 7th Division, plus the Yorozuya. Rappa Momochi, still securing the prisoners, did not come.

"We're clearly under attack. We need to gather every bit of information we can about these people, so we can fight them off for the rest of the week."

Okita reluctantly offered what he had. "I'm not sure what it means, but the mask guy knows Saitou from somewhere, and expected him to be with us."

Abuto raised his eyebrows. "Saitou?"

"Saitou Shimaru is the third captain of the Shinsengumi, and he's back at headquarters right now."

There was discussion of why someone trying to disrupt the wedding would be connected to Saitou, of all people, but no one had any clear ideas.

"What about their armor? Does the color scheme line up with any groups we know of?"

Kondo had been thinking silently through the first discussion, and this was what he arrived at. "I can't think of any terrorist or criminal groups with red, yellow, and grey colors, myself. What about you guys?"

"Well, Kaientai ships look like that," said Kagura.

"Sorry China, but that's just a coincidence," said Okita. "The Kaientai are in charge of supplies and stuff for the wedding, and back Soyo in this situation. They wouldn't attack us-plus, they're not a combat force, just a company."

"What if the armor was bought from the Kaientai?" asked Abuto. "I know they sell military equipment, from our... business with them."

"No." Gintoki shook his head. "Sakamoto wouldn't sell stuff like that to shady people who were going to attack a wedding. He might be a successful businessman, but he's a good man, too."

"Do you mean the same Sakamoto who brought the Renho spies to Earth?"

Shinpachi adjusted his glasses. "If they put any effort into a lie, he'd buy it in a second."

Nobume nodded. "We'll have to get in touch with him, and ask if he sold equipment like that to anyone. Are there any other leads?"

"Well," said Hijikata, "It's not a lead, but I have an important question: What should we call these guys? I'm sick of being vague all the time."

Such awful names as "Blackmasks," "Shock Soldiers," and "Armor guys," were proposed, along with the outright no-go "Stormtroopers."

"I have one!" said Kondo. "They're like walking arsenals, so... Arsenal Troopers!"

Nobume slapped her face. "It doesn't really matter. We'll go ahead and call them that. Are there any more  **leads**?"

There was silence.

Abuto smiled benevolently. "Why don't you all get some sleep? Us Yato will take care of security at night, since that's when we're at our best."

There were nods of agreement, as the battle-weary fighters left the room rubbing their eyes.

Unfortunately for the Yorozuya, a good night's sleep to process everything was still distant, as Hijikata intercepted them on their way back.

He dragged Gintoki and Kagura to the Shinsengumi room, trusting Shinpachi to possess common sense.

"You guys pulled us into your problems, so you'd better be there when we figure out how to solve them."

Setting his reluctant and sleepy allies down in a circle of Shinsengumi, he crossed his arms. "Let us show you how real samurai do things. We're getting your friend back tonight."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, Mask Guy and the Arsenal Troopers. I've been excited to introduce them since I started writing this fic. I hope I didn't make Mask Guy's identity too obvious; I can't tell if it's obvious, impossible to guess, or somewhere in the middle.
> 
> The power scaling is a bit wonky with him; a lot of people think Okita is the strongest member of the Shinsengumi, but Hijikata owned him in the Mitsuba arc when Okita was really going all out against him, as well as getting out of almost every assassination attempt, serious or not so much, pretty much unscathed.
> 
> He has a reputation, yes, but that's because he fights more, and more publicly, than Hijikata or Saitou, the latter of which he said was stronger than him.
> 
> And Kondo is in a freaky position of almost never fighting anyone, but being stupid strong judging from his two or three fights ever. He killed two Yato on his own, and defeated Tojo instantly after wiping with sandpaper-and Tojo is the strongest of the Yagyuu elite four, stronger than ketchup guy, who's around equal with Hijikata.
> 
> Plus, he had stupid amounts of speed in one episode of Silver Soul, which I'm pretty sure wasn't part of the "training that isn't REALLY canon" gag, since the gorilla was that for him-and it would line up well with his performance against Tojo.
> 
> So Okita, although strong, isn't the strongest of the Shinsengumi by far, just the scariest who is called the strongest in-universe.
> 
> And I'm not belittling Okita at all; I completely recognize how crazy strong he is. Calling him the strongest just doesn't give the others the credit they're due.
> 
> Anyway, this power-scaling discussion is kinda important to how Mask Guy could fight both Okita and Nobume, who's pretty much exactly equal to Okita, so I don't get complaints about how much stronger Okita is when Mask Guy reveals his identity. The power scaling works, especially since there's a lot of room for ambiguity in canon.
> 
> Of course, there'll be at least one complaintworthy fight scene before that becomes an issue, so just try to remember that Gintama's power scaling is pretty vague.
> 
> But that's enough paranoia about really picky readers who probably don't exist; please leave comments like the wonderful readers I know you are! Even if it's a complaint. Especially if it's a complaint, because it'll help me improve.
> 
> See you next chapter!


	5. The Power of Friendship is useless if the other guy has friends too

**Sunday, 10:00 PM**

Gintoki walked along the side of the castle. He only had to turn the corner and be himself.

He turned the corner, took a few steps, and stopped.

There was silence for a few seconds as he faced the villain of the day.

Abuto was wearing a dirty apron, and casually leaned on his umbrella. "I came as you asked, Gintoki, but please, don't tell me we're fighting here.

He raised his hands appealingly. "It won't work. There are so many better ways of settling this."

Gintoki smiled fiercely, and pulled out his wooden sword. "No matter how I think of it, the only way to rescue Otae is by learning where she is from you."

The umbrella swung slowly up, and pointed forward.

"No matter how **I** think of it, the only villain here is the one trying to ruin a young couple's happiness."

The sword pointed back.

"Right now, the only thing we're going to ruin is your scheme."

Abuto cocked his head. "We're?"

Then he was crushed to the ground by a silently falling, weighted steel net.

 

* * *

 

**Sunday, 9:30 PM**

Okita drove silently, feeling Kagura's glare burn into the back of his head. Yamazaki munched on anpan in the seat next to him.

Shinpachi sighed. "I wonder how Gin-san's doing right now."

"The operation won't be for a while," said Okita. "Be ready, not just for an attack, but because the way our lives go, we'll have to fight Kyuubei before she helps us."

"Shut up, tax robber. The only fight out here is going to be me beating you up, 'kay?" Shinpachi didn't have a retort to what Okita said, but Kagura would disagree if he said the sky was blue.

"If he thought it'd be easy, Kondo-san would've sent me alone. Instead, I'm stuck with dead weight like you."

"It's because if you were alone, you'd run people over for fun, sadist."

"He said Abuto might-"

There was a loud  **thud** from outside the car, and the passengers saw a figure bent over the front.

The car slid to a halt.

"Well, at least you only hurt him, and didn't keep-"

"I didn't stop."

To prove it, Okita pressed the gas pedal harder, and the wheels screeched.

The car didn't move.

The figure did.

It reached down with its left hand, and an imprint of its-his-fingers was visible in the metal.

There was silence.

Then, too fast for anyone to react, the hand came back up with an all-too-familiar conical object, and swiped it through the windshield, showering everyone inside with glass.

 

* * *

 

**Sunday, 10:10 PM**

Abuto struggled for a second under the net, before reaching a squatting position.

Several Shinsengumi appeared over the wall to the side, dropping down and surrounding him. Even more became visible on the castle roof above him.

Kondo and Hijikata approached the net, drawing their swords. Gintoki stepped forward.

"You couldn't have chosen a better victim to turn _everyone_ against you. You threaten our lives, and we'll fight, and you threaten our country, and we'll fight. But if you threaten our friends..."

He pointed his wooden sword at Abuto's nose, inches away from his face.

"That's when we get serious."

The captured pirate chuckled. "Since when were you the only ones with friends?"

The sword wavered. Gintoki paused.

Then he looked up.

The Shinsengumi who had been visible were gone. The rooftop was empty.

And then it wasn't.

One silhouette after another took the place of those who had thrown the net, and more appeared on the wall the Shinsengumi had climbed over.

Gintoki looked to the two other directions one might escape to, but more silent, dark-clad enemies rounded both sides of the castle.

They weren't Yato. Along with not carrying umbrellas, they had much more slender builds than most of the space pirates.

That suspicion was confirmed by a colorful figure joining the dark ones on the roof. Abuto smiled despite his uncomfortable position.

"I thought you'd try something like this, so I asked for help. I'm curious: Have you ever fought the Oniwabanshu?"

Although Gintoki fought individual members in the past, he had never truly faced the organization as a whole. Now, it surrounded him and the Shinsengumi.

Kondo pointed his sword at the captured Yato. "They won't attack if we have you as our hostage."

"How coldblooded. I didn't think you had it in you."

Abuto squatted down a little further, as if compressing his body. "But you're wrong about one thing: a rabbit is never cornered."

With a loud crash, he leapt off the ground, leaving it cracked and broken where he had been crouching.

In midair, he threw off the net, landing behind Oniwabanshu lines.

The blue-clad ninja spoke. "Ironic, that you honor-bound samurai betray your duty on the first day, while us mercenary ninja remain loyal."

"How much were you paid?" asked Gintoki.

Although he was too far away from Zenzo to tell, he was certain the ninja smirked. "Not a cent, for this. But an alliance with the Harusame could bring lots of good work to Earth."

"So you're doing it pro bono after all," said Hijikata. "How nice of you."

"Sorry to disappoint, but ninjas aren't nice. Let's remind you of that."

Zenzo and the ninjas around him began running down the castle wall, while the rest of the ninjas also charged.

Gintoki felt a familiar presence, and spun around to punch a leaping Sa-chan in the face, as he normally did.

The situation wasn't normal.

As he made contact, a sharp pain ran up his arm. He saw a shuriken in the ninja's hand, and felt blood drip down his sleeve.

The world grew more distant, and he suddenly felt as though he hadn't slept in a week. The sounds of battle muted.

Internally, he screamed at himself to move. There was clearly a sleeping drug on his stalker's weapon, but he couldn't... concentrate on... what it... could... mean...

His stalker...

Sleeping drug...

There was no WAY Gintoki was going to let Sa-chan kidnap him with a drug. Mustering the will all protagonists have to overcome mind-altering effects, he swung his sword at the ninja's midsection, hoping to knock the wind out of her.

However, despite being folded in two and barely staying on her feet, the masochistic stalker smiled happily as she took the attack in stride, slashing Gintoki's other arm. "Sorry! I'll make it up to you later... okay?"

Sa-chan winked, and Gintoki grimaced.

He drew back his sword again, but he saw a few black shapes... there was a vague pain in his back...

The ground made a wonderful pillow.

  

* * *

 

**Sunday, 9:40 PM**

Shinpachi shielded his face with both arms. When he put them down, the doors on the other side of the car were open, and Kagura and Okita were outside fighting several Yato.

A laser passed over his head, several more burning holes through the car. The rivals held their own, but the attackers' umbrellas were apparently more advanced than Kagura's machine gun.

Seeing Yamazaki curled up in the passenger seat, Shinpachi decided to also make himself as small a target as possible.

The sounds of battle continued, and he heard Okita laugh as a masculine voice cried out in pain, but he kept his head down out of fear of a stray shot.

Then he heard a  **clunk** outside, from the front of the car.

He didn't know what to make of it, but as Yamazaki made a noise like a shriek and dove out the side, he saw a Yato pointing his umbrella at the vehicle, and decided to copy the investigator.

Falling to the ground, he felt more than heard or saw the car explode. He flew through the air, and silence turned to a ringing noise in his ears.

His arm was somewhere between pink and red, and blood rolled down his cheek from a small shrapnel wound.

Shinpachi staggered to his feet, and amazingly, despite his burned arm and cut cheek, some slight bruising was the worst of his injuries.

He heard Kagura shout his name, and blinked a few times. Yamazaki was still on the ground, struggling to get up.

He couldn't see the fight on the other side of the wrecked car, but as he looked around with increasing clarity, his blood froze.

A Yato approached Yamazaki, who wasn't on his feet yet. He seemed to have been searching the car for survivors, and there was no way Yamazaki could fight him off.

Shinpachi couldn't move. The most primal parts of his brain screamed at him to drop everything and run for his life.

The Yato poked Yamazaki with his umbrella, who whimpered and grasped at his sheathed sword.

Anger, fear, and determination clashed in Shinpachi's brain, and he took a step. He took another step.

Seeming far away-and yet close enough, his instincts screamed, to devour him whole-the Yato raised the umbrella, and he ran.

The umbrella came down lazily, slowly, held by only one hand.

It hit wood. Shinpachi had to hold his sword with a hand on each end to prevent the weapon from coming down, and as his opponent saw the resistance, the force increased bit by bit until his hands went numb.

He heaved the umbrella to one side and thrust his weapon, now painfully aware of its bluntness, into the Yato's stomach, driving him back one step.

Shinpachi jumped back before a mighty swipe passed in front of him. He swung at his enemy's head with a satisfying impact, before the umbrella swung back, sweeping him aside.

Nothing seemed to be broken, but he stayed on the ground to appear more injured than he was.

The Yato raised his weapon, and the wooden sword crashed into his hand as hard as Shinpachi could swing it.

The umbrella fell and rolled to one side. Its owner pulled back his injured hand, forcing it into a fist, and swung it down.

Shinpachi winced, but there was no impact. The fist hit the ground next to his head.

Yamazaki, sword drawn, was breathing rapidly behind the attacker, whose arm now ended at the elbow.

Everyone was still. Yamazaki' breath became more frantic, and his eyes opened wide. The Yato growled.

He rocketed towards the fallen umbrella, giving Shinpachi a chance to stand, and spun around to face the swordsmen as he picked it up.

They charged more out of desperation than courage. Shinpachi smacked the umbrella to one side, and Yamazaki attacked from the other, but was kicked back, toppling over.

Barely staying out of the umbrella's range, Shinpachi feinted a few times to keep the Yato's attention off the recovering Yamazaki.

Waiting until his friend was standing, he lunged forward.

The sword hit his enemy's nose, breaking it audibly-but the now bloody mouth underneath twisted into a snarl.

The Yato lifted his umbrella like an executioner's axe... and Yamazaki's sword slammed through his chest.

The umbrella shook in the air, its wielder struggling to bring it down, but Shinpachi pushed as hard as he could on his sword.

Falling over, the Yato went still. The primal fear faded.

He looked over at Yamazaki, who fought to pull his sword out of the corpse.

"How about," his ally panted, "We never do anything that scary again."

Shinpachi nodded, and each of them smiled. The sounds of battle from their friends stopped.

"Shinpachi! Are you okay?" Kagura sounded worried, but sighed with relief when she saw him standing.

Okita yawned dramatically, but scanned everyone for injuries almost invisibly fast. "Well, the car's totaled. We're not reaching Yagyuu anytime soon."

"Let's hurry to back up Gin-chan, then!"

Kagura started walking back towards the now-distant castle, but Yamazaki spoke up.

"We're kind of injured... and no offense, but, uh, so are you guys."

Everyone had a couple bruises, and Shinpachi and Yamazaki sported slight burns. The group wasn't ready to arrive at a battle.

"What if they need us? If Abuto was ready for the plan-"

"Then he'll be ready for us, too," said Okita. "Your shack is nearby, right?"

"Shack!? You wish you had somewhere as cozy to call home!"

"I'm sure your closet is wonderful. We'll just stop by to recover a bit, and then see how everyone did."

 

* * *

 

**Sunday, 10:45 PM**

After washing the burns, putting ice on the bruises, and bandaging everyone's injuries, the group opened the door to an exhausted giant dog.

Kagura gave Sadaharu a big hug, before backing away nervously. "What's wrong? What are you here for?"

"Arf!"

The high-pitched bark would have sounded cheerful if not for the concerned look on the dog's face.

"What is it? Is Gin-chan okay?"

Sadaharu whimpered, and everyone stood a little straighter, ready to go. "All right. We'll be over to help-"

"ARF!"

He barked louder than he almost ever did, and could only be saying one thing.

_Don't go!_

Okita stepped forward, but was pushed back by the dog's bulk. Sadaharu growled, not aggressively, but still in earnest.

The swordsman backed up, and put a hand on his sword, drawing glares from the other three. "Are you getting in my way?"

Shinpachi put a hand on his shoulder. "If someone was in danger, he'd drag us there himself. I don't know what's going on, but I trust Sadaharu. Let's rest tonight, and rescue tomorrow."

Okita snorted. "That was almost cool."

He turned his head, and their eyes met. "Almost."

Then he sighed, turning around. "Dibs on the Danna's room."

Not one of them slept soundly that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of gritty. And dark. I fixed that a bit while editing, but still. And although it's one of the darker chapters, I can't even promise that it's as bad as it'll get.
> 
> But don't worry; I'll never turn Gintama into an angst fest. Still, just wait until the sad chapters. (Although honestly, only one of those isn't optimistic in some way)
> 
> I can't honestly remember Okita ever calling Gintoki "Danna" in the anime, but it's what all the fanfics I've read do, so I guess I'll just follow suit unless I get a comment saying why I shouldn't.
> 
> And so ends day one! The shortest day, too, because it started at noon. It might seem a bit odd as a time for Yato to arrive, but they did it, one, to be nonthreatening, and two, to sleep on the ship in order to adjust a likely nocturnal schedule to the schedule of everyone else, so they wouldn't get sleepy despite the sunny day.
> 
> Except Abuto. He's up 24/7 getting every detail right, and won't get any sleep until Tuesday at the earliest. Ah, poor Abuto. He brings it all on himself, though.
> 
> I originally had the fight around the car happen in the rain, before I realized that rain would mess up the part of the plot over at the castle. It helped make it less dark, though, so I'm not complaining.
> 
> I also planned for the Yorozuya to sleep while the whole Shinsengumi was captured by the Oniwabanshu, but this turned out better.
> 
> But I know what question is really burning on your minds...
> 
> Will Gintoki and/or Zenzo get his Jump!
> 
> Please comment; it makes my day, and I promise to respond. Even if it's about another fic, or literally just the word "cat." Every comment is motivation and joy. And of course, criticism will always help me improve; I've watched too many writing videos in the past week and I feel like my brain is going to explode-and 99% of what I learned is just refinement on stuff I haven't done yet.
> 
> But yes, it's all planned. The whole story. There might be a few changes, but the big twists and turns, and most of the powerful moments, are already pretty much set in stone. The character tags at least should prove some of that later.
> 
> Dang it, I love writing about my fic almost as much as I love writing my fic. I hope my overly long author's notes don't bother you (although I remember a lot of fics I loved having the same worry, and I loved their author's notes, so what do I know)
> 
> You know what? If you like my author's notes... or don't like them... you know what you can do?
> 
> Comment! It's easy! You can even do it without an account! Anonymous comments are welcome too!
> 
> Until next chapter! (And next cliffhanger, and next mile-long A/N)


	6. Any villain who doesn't die is guaranteed to join forces with the heroes in the future!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the anime is basically over. I can definitively say how this continuity is different now. Things basically wrapped up right after episode 357, with episode 358's death still happening, and Utsuro losing in the same way-but none of the epilogue happened, and Earth gained its independence. Pretty much everything else returned to normal. I'm honestly not a big fan of the epilogue. It went wild without having to keep the status quo, so it wrecked a lot I love. Ideally, it's a bunch of wart stuff again(2 years, remember, and the whole universe was there), but I doubt it. Also, it's important that Umi Bozu and Kamui still hate each other, because their reconciliation was rushed nonsense in the anime. Silver Soul was great, but it needed 10 extra episodes to wrap up EVERYTHING. Or, well, more manga chapters.
> 
> Sorry about the delay; I was kind of unsure about how to handle the beginning of the day, but I got through it, although I had to push Okita's anti-Yato gear forward by about a day, since I was going to introduce it either at the end of Monday or on Tuesday morning, but this worked better. 50% of writing is "ooh, this works better than how I planned it." Well, 50% of the 1% that's actually writing and not planning/daydreaming.

**Monday, 2:00 AM**

Abuto yawned as he mixed the 146th omelet for the coming morning, checking how cooked the 143rd, 144th, and 145th were, and when he would need to flip them.

He looked at his list to see who would be getting #147. Finishing #146's recipe with two squirts of mayonnaise, he grabbed a bag of sugar and readied the whipped cream.

He hoped the Oniwabanshu were taking good care of Sakata Gintoki, as both Soyo's possible displeasure and the looming threat of Umi Bozu on the horizon weighed on his mind.

At least a sweet omelet would give the samurai enough energy to yell at him another day. As long as the attention was on him, instead of his-instead of the young pirate king, Abuto was satisfied.

Hopefully, his scheme with Otae Shimura would keep potential wedding-destroyers busy for a few more days. Not the proudest moment of his life, but it was working.

Finishing through omelet #151, he stacked fifty-three dishes on a trolley to take to the prisoners, grabbing some blankets on the way.

"What do you think you're doing, pirate?"

Zenzo glared at Abuto as the Yato approached him.

"Are your prisoners still unconcious?"

"Yes, they are. Don't tell me you're giving them bed and breakfast."

"I'm keeping the guests healthy."

"Traitors, you mean? There's no way they're still going to the wedding."

"Try telling that to the future queen of the Harusame. She's really fond of these guys."

The ninja glared at him. Abuto mentally put his name down as a potential enemy. No matter what he claimed, someone with that much contempt for the Harusame wasn't a trustworthy ally.

He brought the omelets and blankets into the room, where no less than thirty ninjas watched from all sides.

Carefully, he put a blanket over each unconscious prisoner. They wouldn't get any more rest than him tonight from artificial sleep, but at least they would be comfortable. Then he set their breakfasts next to them, flipping the switch on each plate to warm the food.

It was really a shame he couldn't give them naturally hot breakfasts, but he'd definitely be attacked if they were conscious. Besides, there was so much more to do.

He set back towards the kitchen to start on omelet #152. Or rather, salad #3, as guest #161 was allergic to eggs.

This was going to be a long week.

 

* * *

 

**Monday, 8:37 AM**

Shinpachi woke up unable to breathe. Water was in his eyes, and more of it ran down his face.

Wiping his eyes, coughing, and blinking, he saw Okita with an overturned, empty cup above him.

"Rise and shine, glasses boy. We've got work to do."

He remembered the previous day.

"I would usually yell at you for that."

His drowsiness disappeared as he got up and faced the Shinsengumi captain.

"I need you to buckle 22 swords across my back."

Okita pointed to a pile of sheathed weapons that he had apparently dumped on the floor.

Shinpachi blinked.

"WHY WOULD YOU GET ME UP LIKE THAT FOR A BAD JOKE LIKE THIS!?"

Now he was in a yelling mood.

"It isn't a joke."

Okita's posture was relaxed, as always, but his eyes were dead serious. A chill went down Shinpachi's spine.

"Is this about what happened when he arrived yesterday?"

A nod.

"Do you think you could beat him with all these?"

Okita sighed. "I don't know. He almost killed me before, and he's even stronger now. But fighting any Yato will be easier with spare swords."

"Let's just hope we don't have to fight him today."

The two now in agreement, Shinpachi helped strap the ludicrous number of weapons across Okita's back. "Are you sure you can carry all these?"

"I'm fine. Besides, chances are that it'll get lighter."

"You sure you won't collapse and start crying, sadist?"

Kagura leaned on the doorway. "I hope you don't plan on killing my stupid brother before I do, 'kay?"

"Are you jealous that he's stolen your best friend? Or maybe upset because she betrayed you? But the real question is, why did you hang out with a loser who'd like HIM, anyway?"

She quietly growled and clenched her fists.

"Whoa, whoa!" Shinpachi scrambled to make peace. "I thought you made up with Kamui! You punched each other, fell over, and you forgave him, right?"

"He hasn't changed! He's still a pirate, he still owns Yoshiwara, and now he's going after Earth! Don't you get it!?"

"And what about Soyo? Do you think she's just going to give him the planet, or that she doesn't really love him?"

Kagura glared at Shinpachi, and the primal fear he never thought could come from her crawled down his back. "Are you saying you support the wedding, Shinpachi?"

His eyes widened. For a moment, he felt like the girl looking at him was some person he'd never met, who he hadn't lived with and fought alongside. Kagura's cold, calm anger was alien to him.

"...I don't know."

She raised an eyebrow.

"I just think you should trust Soyo more. This, right now, isn't about Kamui. It's about Gin-san, and maybe Abuto. If we have to stop your brother later, we'll stop him. Later. Okay?"

Kagura's face lost its unfamiliar quality, and the fear went away. "All right. We can beat just Abuto up for now, 'kay?"

"'kay."

Okita yawned. "Let's wake up Yamazaki. With just the four of us and that dog, all of us need to be ready to take on who knows what."

Shinpachi scratched his head. "Actually, we might have more than that."

 

* * *

 

**Monday, 9:30 AM**

"So what you're saying is, Gintoki got himself captured like the ninny he is, and now you need a real protagonist to bail him out."

Kintoki looked very pleased with himself, and Shinpachi groaned internally.

"I didn't say that. But we'd like your help."

Kintoki pointed at him suavely. "A real hero can read between the lines. You can bet that whenever there's trouble, I'll be there to help."

Then he rubbed his chin. "However, if I recall, last time I helped out your group, I died for a while, didn't I? Maybe you could pad my fees a little, just in case."

"Fees? To a  _real_ hero, helping those in need is its own reward."

"But what kind of business would Yorozuya Kin-chan be if I didn't charge for my services?"

A glare did nothing to dissuade him.

"Fine." Okita stepped forward. "I'll hire you on as a contractor with the Shinsengumi, since **we** actually have money."

Kintoki stretched out his hand. "We have a deal."

Okira shook it, then grinned evilly. "Now, as a contractor for the Shinsengumi, you need to follow the orders of the highest-ranking member present. That's me."

The robot blinked a few times, not yet understanding the situation.

"First, shine my shoes. Then give me a massage. You will address me as Okita-sama at all times. Every time I draw my sword, once I'm done using it, you're going to oil it-with your own oil. Oh, and before any of that, go get me a bag of potato chips."

"And if I don't?"

"'And if I don't,' what?"

"And if I don't, Okita- _sama_?" Kintoki ground his mechanical teeth.

"Not only will you not get paid, but you'll owe me the Contractor Insubordination Fee of twice what you would have earned."

The unfortunate contractor thought it over in his robot brain, glared at Okita, and left Snack Otose to buy a bag of potato chips.

Shinpachi watched in bewilderment. "You made all of that up."

"Yep."

Kagura and a flustered Yamazaki finished talking with Tama in the back.

Yamazaki pumped his fist. "Tama's in my squad! Let's go!"

Kagura rolled her eyes. "He means, if the trouble goes over his head, she's the one looking out for him."

The robotic maid nodded. "Yamazaki is important enough to the team that I will protect him when fighting starts, because he is too weak to watch out for himself."

The inspector slumped, and the light vanished from his eyes. "Thanks, Tama."

There was a pause.

Kintoki came back with a smaller bag of chips than Shinpachi thought could be sold, and began shining Okita's shoes with an expression of disgust.

"So, is this everyone?" asked Kagura.

"I thought of getting Saitou, but he'd fall asleep in the middle of the mission."

"I called Zura, but he's busy with some protest. To hear him talk, you'd think the Amanto still rule the world."

Everyone mentally pictured the former rebel saying "It's not Zura, it's Katsura!"

Kintoki began massaging Okita's shoulders, with difficulty getting around the swords on his back.

Sadaharu clumsily pushed the door open and walked inside. "Arf!"

Kagura pet the giant dog for a few seconds, then walked to the door. "Let's kick some butt, 'kay?"

Three humans, two robots, one Yato, and one massive fluffball set off for war.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tama's epilogue is awful, and there's no way it happened in this continuity. Also, Kintoki needs more time as a nominal good guy; Silver Soul didn't give him enough time. It didn't give anyone enough time, despite being the longest arc. I love it to death, but I also hate how far short it fell of what it could have been.
> 
> I'm thinking this fic is going to be the first of a series, but as it has, based on some rough math, 52 more chapters to go, I can't guarantee anything-it's way too early to know if I CAN finish it itself at all. But I have a group of villains, 2 big arcs, 3 massive twists, and some 5 or 6 episodic stories planned out in my head already. I'm an ambitious person.
> 
> Please comment, especially with any complaints or criticism that might help me improve! Tell me what you like, so I can do it more! Tell me what bugs you, so I can do it less! Heck, tell me anything! It'll make my day!


	7. The better a plan goes near the beginning, the more horribly it will crash and burn near the end!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to take back the implication that I hate the epilogue arc. It's... fun. I'm warming up to it. But it can't lead into any kind of good continuation, so it's still 100% unconnected to this fic.
> 
> Also, uh, Abuto has grown past canon. Lots of headcanon. But I'm doing my best to keep all of his attributes from canon present:  
> -Always chill  
> -Super super loyal to the 7th Division, especially Kamui  
> -Stands up to Kamui when it's right, showing that it's out of genuine concern and caring  
> -Is a nice guy even to people he just tried/is trying to kill  
> -Doesn't like fighting other Yato, as they're his own kind-I have a headcanon backstory for this, but it isn't interesting enough to become a flashback(and be glad I recognized that before it became chapter 6)
> 
> (And what about when he intimidated Shinpachi in chapter 2? Well, that was 100% strategic. He was in control the whole time, just making absolutely sure he was making his point.)
> 
> So his insane cooking thing is an extension of those traits into a more comedic part of the story, since Abuto has barely participated in comedy at all. And it's thematically important, but that's something readers don't need to worry about. I watch too many writing videos.

**Monday, 10:00 AM**

Four tired-looking Yato huddled under their umbrellas in the morning light, guarding Edo Castle.

The morning watch was supposed to be handled by the Shinsengumi, but none happened to be available. As a result, the unlucky space pirates were stuck out in the sun.

Kagura, well-adjusted from her years on Earth, whooped with excitement as the giant dog she was riding leapt over all four guards and broke into the castle grounds.

Several seconds later, they saw the opportunity to go inside, and chased her.

She rode Sadaharu past the courtyard and into the castle itself, and several Mimawarigumi officers saw her, giving chase.

Running around the first floor, she collected a pursuing mob of space pirates and police officers.

Then she went upstairs. Sadaharu bounded easily up the steps, but the mob had more trouble, pursuers shoving each other to get up.

On the second floor, she gathered a new mob, enjoying the sounds of wind rushing past her face and many upset guards shouting at her.

The crowd got big enough for a few undercover ninjas to join in before she climbed to the third floor.

Sadaharu jumped over Soyo, who waved happily.

"Watch out!"

The ambassador flattened herself against the wall to avoid the pursuers. "You're going to tell me everything later! Got it?"

"Of course!" Kagura urged Sadaharu on, before getting an ominous feeling that something was amiss.

As she ran forward through the hall, she looked back at the crowd, and saw nothing. Then she saw something bouncing between the walls behind them.

The something broke ahead of the masses and made its true nature clear.

Kamui was leaping from the floor to the right wall, onto the ceiling, onto the left wall, back to the floor, and back onto the wall in a spiraling series of bounces.

"It's nice to see you back! We never got a chance to talk yesterday, so I'll be sure to catch up right now!"

The leaps allowed Kagura's brother to gain on her, even as Sadaharu sped up.

"You never had a sense of humor before!"

Despite her fear of what might happen when the gap closed, she couldn't help smirking. "It's nice to see that nothing's changed!"

She rounded a corner in hopes of slowing him down, but Kamui only sped up as he leapt off the wall in front of him, onto the floor, and then immediately into his spiral pattern again.

"Puns either give my enemies a moment of mirth or let them feel superior to me before they die. It's courtesy!"

Kagura tried to go to the fourth floor, but her wall-hopping pursuer had the advantage on the stairs, and landed in front of her.

She pulled out her umbrella, and Sadaharu growled, stopping in front of him. Kamui kept smiling.

As she readied herself to fight, he walked back past her. "There's nothing worthwhile on this floor."

He opened his umbrella and swung it like a club to knock back three of his subordinates who had caught up. They tumbled down the stairs, knocking down the front part of the chasing mob.

"There's barely anyone left on the lower floors, right? So I'm sure you've done what you were trying to do."

Kaguea scowled. He had seen right through her role as a distraction. "So are we gonna fight now, or what?"

"As much as I'd love to beat you up,  Abuto and my fiancée would team up to give me no end of scolding."

He gave his sister what on anyone else would be a guileless, innocent smile, and herded the mob down the stairs.

Then she was left to fume all alone. "I HATE my stupid, stupid, STUPID brother."

Sadaharu yipped.

Okay, not quite alone. "Good boy. Let's hope nobody messes up and gets caught, 'kay?"

 

* * *

 

**Monday, 10:05 AM**

Nobume found a trail of suspicious crumbs.

They weren't just suspicious because of how they looked and smelled exactly like her favorite type of donut, but also because she, the only recipient of such donuts at breakfast, was certain that no crumbs were left of her own.

She resisted the urge to pick up and eat the crumbs off the floor with the thought that a complete donut might be at the end of them.

It likely belonged to someone else, but as she stroked her sword's handle, she assured herself that they would be willing to share.

A crowd of people ran by, and she narrowed her eyes. It was definitely a ruse to keep her from eati-

Ahem.

To keep her from investigating the suspicious crumbs, which likely came from an enemy donut.

It would have to be eliminated.

She tracked her prey through several hallways until she arrived at the kitchen.

Of course. The donut's natural habitat. It couldn't have gone far.

She sniffed twice, confirming the food's proximity. After searching for a short while, she saw it.

The donut sat on a plate left on the floor. Without questioning this, Nobume snuck up to it, using counters and stoves as cover, before pouncing suddenly to devour it!

The donut moved, and she grabbed nothing but air.

Hunter's instincts subsiding for a moment, she realized that donuts aren't supposed to run away from people.

There were strings tied to the plate and looped around several pieces of furniture.

She considered cutting the strings with her sword. However, the instincts took back control, and she leapt for the donut again.

It evaded her a second time, and she pounced again-but not directly forwards.

Instead, she leapt into the air with a  _boing,_ making it easy for the donut to evade.

_Boing_

She let it escape again.

_Boing_

And again. Now it was unaware of her true speed. She made as if she was going for a gentle  _boing_ again, and then lunged.

Success! She quickly finished off her opponent. It had been a worthy struggle.

The word "bait" wandered through her mind as reason began to assert itself again.

From behind her, a plate with another donut skidded forward across the floor.

This was definitely enemy action. Nobume had a duty to eliminate the dangerous pastry without mercy, and did so.

Another donut slid in front of her. She was being tricked for sure, and so ate it in one bite to avoid being tempted.

Another donut slid forward.

"I'm not falling for this. What ebvacly ab you upf do?"

She took the donut in the middle of speaking so it would be distracted, with no chance to react.

"Are you complaining about the donuts?"

The voice was familiar, but Nobume focused on swiftly devouring the next donut so it wouldn't have a chance to get to her.

"I can deal with the donuts. They're no match for me."

She proved it by effortlessly snatching the next donut before it passed her, and eating it before the plate came to a stop.

Then, it hit her. The donuts came from behind, where she couldn't see. She was focusing on each as an unknown person dispensed them one at a time.

Meaning, there were many more donuts behind her.

Ignoring the new donut, which she could eat later, she spun around, hoping to take them all for herself.

Instead, she came face-to-sword with Okita. The blade right in front of her snapped her back to reality.

"All right, free donuts are over. You've gotta earn them now."

Nobume froze with shock. Okita had been giving her donuts? Okita NEVER gave her donuts.

Wait, no. The important question was, why was someone on her side pointing a sword at her?

"Why are you pointing a sword at me?"

Okita smirked. It wasn't good when Okita smirked. His happiness tended to mean unhappiness for everyone else.

"It's like a carrot and stick. You're in the police, you know the deal. Answer right, you get a donut. Answer wrong, you get stabbed. Got it?"

She nodded slowly. The situation was dawning on her, and she wouldn't be able to draw her own sword fast enough to defend herself.

He gave her a donut. She wouldn't be coerced like this, so she ate the object of her temptation to get it out of the way.

"Where's everyone being kept?"

"Everyone?"

"Gintoki and the Shinsengumi. Or whoever's left."

This wasn't right. Nobume had to eat the donut from behind her to wrap her head around the question.

"I don't know where the Shinsengumi went. I haven't seen any this morning."

Okita narrowed his eyes, then put away his sword. "I'm pretty sure Abuto had them captured."

Nobume's brain was split between winning her bet with Soyo and being shocked at the news. Somehow, the idea of abundant donuts lost its hold.

"Tell me everything."

 

* * *

 

**Monday, 10:10 AM**

"D-do you think the f-four of us could take Abuto in a fight?"

Yamazaki's teeth chattered as he, Shinpachi, and Tama snuck through the hallways of the palace.

"Actually, Kintoki has already left. I would guess we won't see him for a long time." The two humans looked around, and the golden-haired android was nowhere to be seen.

Shinpachi slapped his forehead. "So if he sees us, we run. But he's faster than we are. Tama, do you have anything we could use to stop him?"

"The closest Yato is one floor above us, moving towards the stairs. Kagura's diversion was a success."

"You can see through walls?"

"I have thermal sensors, yes."

The group stopped. "You had those the whole time, and you didn't tell us," said Shinpachi.

"Yes. It is not unusual that I have thermal sensors."

"So you could just find a room where a bunch of people are tied up or unconscious or something, and we didn't have to search at all!?"

"Yes. It's over there."

Tama pointed to the wall, around the corner of which was apparently the room the Shinsengumi were being held in.

The three walked uneventfully to a plain-looking door.

"In here?"

"Yes."

Shinpachi pushed open the door with an exasperated sigh, and stepped inside.

Then he stopped in the doorway.

Tama looked back. "The Yato from earlier has come downstairs and is approaching this room."

Yamazaki walked up to Shinpachi. "Hey, move! We need to get them out of there before..."

He looked around, over his friend's shoulder. The Shinsengumi, its leaders, and Gintoki were tied up in the center, but they weren't the only ones there.

The room was full of ninjas.

 

* * *

 

**Monday, 10:20 AM**

Kamui paced in his room, wondering what Kagura had been up to. Why would she need a distraction when she had so many allies in the castle already?

He had a hunch that Abuto was up to something. The big dummy. Kamui could take care of himself better than _literally_ anyone else in the universe, but his second-in-command babied him like he was still ten.

If someone hurt him, Kamui would kill them. Or maybe he wouldn't. Usually, he gave his enemies a quick death, out of gratitude that he could fight them, but vengeance was something else.

Hopefully, Abuto's plan-most likely making himself a target for whoever he thought was a danger to the Pirate King-would fall through, he'd be okay, and Kamui would get to fight someone strong.

As if the universe heard his wish, the door was smashed to pieces, and a man with golden hair walked in.

Triumphant music played from a speaker somewhere on the intruder's person.

"I heard there were some problems around here, and it all leads back to you. That would make you the final boss, the big bad, the real villain of the story. So a hero needs to bring you down."

Kamui noted that the man looked, apart from his hair, just like Gintoki. His attacker's posture, however, was upright, with no sign of laziness.

He smiled just a bit wider. Hopefully, the golden samurai would measure up to the silver one-who, come to think of it, Kamui never really defeated.

He took a fighting stance. "This really brightens my day. Thanks for coming!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kintoki vs. Kamui, the fight you never expected to see!
> 
> Please, comment anything! Anything at all! Feel completely free! Especially criticism, positive or negative, or anything that might help me improve! Or, anything you like or dislike. Anything at all.
> 
> Wow, I haven't rambled on and on yet.
> 
> Uh, how about this last episode of Gintama and its surprise? That's another thing not included in this continuity, but I really like it. I also loved how Takasugi got some actual comedy time, and was still so in character. I'm glad that... most things aren't actually that bad in the epilogue, despite it seeming so bleak at first. I'm mad that Earth didn't become independent, but this fic addresses that... a lot more thoroughly than you could expect right now. Actually, I kind of agree with the point, despite it being stupid that the status quo is back in all the wrong ways, that you can't really go back to the past. But that's going to be thematic stuff, and not important until Friday in the fic (Thursday at the earliest, although Thursday's mini-arc is going to have a different point), so don't worry about it. Just be excited, before realizing that the fic won't reach even Thursday before about 22 more chapters come out, AKA ~15-20 weeks, AKA a few months. Although Wednesday might not be the full 8 chapters long I expect each day to be.
> 
> Ah, now I've rambled a bit. There we go. 
> 
> And again: comment aaaaaaanyyyyyyyythiiiiiiiiiiiiiimg. At aaaaaaall.


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